There’s this underlying theme in most of my relationships with others (Except with my partner with whom I have a very loving relationship) That wanting to be in touch with others feels like weakness.

I‘m very sure this is an attachment thing, as I grew up in a violent household as a kid, and the situation was quite chaotic, with emotionally unstable parents, moving a lot and living with different people etc.

I remember (Grew up in South Asia) with my relatives there was this attitude of „You shouldn’t need others, you must not want others if you feel lonely“.

If you feel sad or in trouble, try to solve it by yourself.. and so on.

I never had a real friendship, because there was this inability to get close. I fear getting in touch with someone is invasive or just „too much“. So there are no people around to have a talk and stay connected.

I kind of miss the 90s as a kid, and I think I‘m romanticizing those times, because life definitely wasn’t better, but I felt as if I belonged to a community.. as a south Asian „family“ for better or for worse has more priority which can though at times come with a high price.

You can’t always be genuinely open with others about your beliefs.. people will (If you are unlucky and you have people that aren’t necessarily loyal to you) Talk behind your back and then things can get nasty. Individuality isn’t something which is being encouraged in such societies, especially as a female.

Yet here I am, lost many during all these years and I always feel as I‘m just living a meaning less existence.

I know how this sounds, all the blah blah, how bad life is, because it always can be worse and whining about things you can change doesn’t help.

I think I just wanted to get it out of my system.

Does anyone feel this way? No not wanting to be a pity party.. just sad..

Thanks