Thank you so much @TheGal for your thoughts.

I'm working on this in therapy and tried writing a letter and burning it, journaling... But I honestly just dont feel anything from these activities. I also tend to just analyze everything down to the most minute detail which makes it even worse

At the moment I am trying art therapy to help with this trauma, since I really like doing things with my hands but I think it will take some time. I am experiencing a lot of grief but I dont need closure from him and I know I wouldnt get it anyway.

The good news is that I mostly dont feel anger anymore and all the rage is gone, I dont have nightmares or nightsweats. I just feel a lot of grief and exhaustion but I think this means that I am moving forward...