@raspberrytorte I'm not sick yet. I was spacing out the last of my medicine. They didn't fill my AP last month so I was taking what I had left basically weening myself off. pdoc got the prescription figured out and they are mailing it to me. Problem is I don't sleep without my AP. Now they're having problems with my AD and I don't know when I'm getting any of it. My pdoc only works m-w. So if it doesn't come tomorrow I'm sol for the week. I won't take the AD without the AP.

So instead so no sleep tonight, anxiety, numbness... I really just need a therapist. When I finally get the meds I will write to my pdoc about how to get back on. As of right now I don't want to be on medication. I don't want to stop and think mid-sentence. Almost want to self destruct. I want to engage in negative behavior. I can be skinny again. I can make art on my skin. And no one can take it away from me. I know I'm not thinking right but it all sounds right. I didn't have a bad withdrawal from meds. So maybe I won't have a bad withdrawal from food. I know I can't "draw" on my skin but I want to so bad. It would feel so nice.

I have to keep this quiet. I can't be going to the hospital for this. As long as I don't make art on my skin I should be fine. H hates when I do food withdrawal. So I have to be smart about this. If I get back on the medication I can't do food withdrawal. I have so much more to say. I have to say very little IRL or I'll scare people. Pdoc isn't ready for my full crazy yet.

I'm not depressed, I'm not suicidal. I'm determined and a bit off.