I'm so sorry you've had such a rough life. I was spanked growing up, sometimes with a belt, not to the extent you were, and I can tell you it does damage especially since I was spanked beyond an age appopriate for spanking (age 12). Fear of my father colored a big part of my childhood, and definitely scarred me. I remember hiding in corn fields in the middle of the summer heat just so my dad wouldn't find me and yell and/or spank me. It really messes with your mind. I have never had much of a relationship with my dad as a result.

Molestation is tough. I have been there too though for me it was 2 separate incidents by 2 different people and not an ongoing thing. That's messed me up too. I can't imagine how badly it's affected you.

I'm sorry therapy has never worked for you. Have you tried it again recently? I know therapy hasn't really worked for me, but it sounds to me like you have a lot to get off your chest. Like maybe you could print out these posts or parts of them and give them to a T to read and/or read them to a T? You have a lot to get off your mind. Is there anyone you talk about any of this?

I'm sorry you don't really have a career. Is it possible to go back to tending a bar or is that something you feel you just cannot do? I've never been able to hold down a job longer than a month, but I am married and my husband makes a good salary, so that is my lifeline. I know you've written in the past about having trouble filling out an application for disability. Is applying for disabily something you can work on? IDK, are there resources to help with the disability process?

I don't really have any advice for you, but you are in my thoughts. Can you see a pdoc? I know you haven't had success with meds, but you could try them again maybe a different combo might help. I am so sorry you are so low. Take care of yourself.

((((HUGS))))