I'll be honest, I didn't read your whole story because it was too damn similar to mine. I've got that "borderpolar" combo too (although sounds like a different BPD subtype than you. I'm mainly impulsive but with a lot of self-destructive in there), and a shyt ton of trauma leading to all that.

I'm not sure how great the resources up there are, although I do see a majority of Alaska's taxes per capita is spent on public welfare. A quick google search shows practically every mental health professional (not many) in Anchorage. Most do telehealth though if that's an option. I've had a lot of bad luck with therapists mostly because I had trouble opening up, trusting people, working with boundaries, dissociating during stressful sessions, being ashamed of my actions, and the therapist not even knowing of an extensive traumatic and neglectful childhood because I said it must've been good because I don't remember anything out of the norm (which, when your friends that came over were always kids of people your dad did drugs with or his dealer, it is in your circle).

A good therapist will move slowly and be in tune with when you're getting too overwhelmed by the conversation, but it is also your job to let him/her know when it's too much in the moment too. Not sure if EMDR is available in your area either, but it's been strongly recommended for me as long as I go 3 or so months without being in a severe crisis (no suicide attempts, being in a dangerous state of active addiction, arrests for whatever my T sees as being a result of extremely poor mental health). Sounds like if you can get a hold of it, it'd be helpful for you too. I've also been told you have to keep it up for about 2 months of consecutive weekly sessions before seeing any improvement though.

If you absolutely cannot find decent resources in your state, if it's possible, try to get on section 8 and transfer to another state and get on disability ASAP (some people have difficulty, but I've had a lot of trips to the ER and IEAs (docs & court system here don't like me I guess) and at the time of receiving disability a good ole' "rapid cycling bipolar I mixed w/psychotic features" dx as the primary one they put on my application, and a history of having a ton of jobs that never lasted more than 6 months. I hear some places/doctors make it easier or harder. Mine was 3 months after I applied (with backpay), but some people spend years applying, being denied, and appealing multiple times. But yeah, I myself am thinking of moving south to Massachusetts simply for better treatment and programs for homeless people with disabilities.

Psychiatrists are really helpful for bipolar. I was labeled one of those "treatment resistant" patients too after many failed med trials (literally in my notes that I've tried every second gen antipsychotic, mood stabilizer, and most first gen antipsychotics FDA approved for bipolar along with all benzos, multiple antidepressants. Not even including the off label stuff (again, tried just about everything that maybe would've helped). Before I moved and lost my old treatment team, I found a simple COMBO of one second gen antipsychotic and a mood stabilizer that worked. Only took 10 years of consistent treatment. It also helped that's when that's around the time I started getting there on my more "nuture" problems (BPD/PTSD) (bipolar's more of a "nature" disorder).

Don't get me wrong. It's a long process and even now my treatment team sucks and I've never had a really good one. I have been always restricted to poorly funded shytty state run CMHCs though for stupid legal purposes (or so I've been told, not like I can afford private practice providers anyways). I will say though without treatment I would definitely spend probably 100x more time in jail, one of those patients that get in the state hospital and never leave, or dead.

This was long as hell, but I hope you take something away from it. Life for sure sucks with severe mental illness, let alone two--one sometimes considered the most painful to have (or live with someone who has it for that matter). There is room to climb the ladder of the quality of your life that never ends though.