Omg i have the exact same fears. My mother was always rushing me. It became a constant, unconscious thing for me. To take a shower meant to rush. To catch a bus meant to rush. To drive anywhere meant to rush. To clean house meant to rush. To meet with friends meant to rush.

I have been living a very weird life. I had to stop rushing. Finally I stopped therapy, as that too meant to rush.

I understand about being seen. My parents refused to have a trash basket in the bathroom, so i had to bring used personal products back to my bedroom, then once a week, before trash day, parade thru the living room to take my personal overflowing trash to the basement. It feels like i am reliving that every time i take the trash out of my apartment. Even though i am 20 years into menopause.

Every time i felt good or proud of myself, my mother would knock it out of me. I remember her saying she didnt want me to get a big head, as then no one would like me. So any sense of accomplishment would be knocked back to the stone age and i would have to start to build myself up all over again. I guess that made me easier to handle. I hate my family so much for doing that to me.