Yesterday my therapist asked me how I feel about my body. Yeah, way heavier than I want to be. I like making quiet footsteps.

So yeah, parts of that memory are on repeat in my mind today. Oh, and they assigned me a pdoc! No clue when I'm seeing her, but the only med I'm going to agree to is Naltrexone or the Vivitrol shot right now (which sucks because that shyt gives me massive headaches, stomachaches, diarrhea, depression/irritability, and some other less bothersome stuff like sleepiness...but I guess that's better than being drunk 80% of the time, feeling good, and then actually sleeping at a decent time, and God forbid a chronically suicidal person die a little sooner than without the drink). But yeah, the Naltrexone/Vivitrol is only going to be if I keep drinking excessively. I haven't had anything since Monday so I'm probably fine now.

ughhh an opiate high is looking mighty fine right now. Two prior ODs say if I screw up again it's going to keep happening and meds are going to be pissed they feel the need to keep treating me. Just let me stop being a part of an unhumane humanity for a bit. Guarantee I'll wake up because I literally cannot die, and I won't get pissed at whoever Narcaned me if they don't do it in the first place!

I saw weird stuff happening outside last night. Like some unknown intelligent species doing some sort of cult ritual. Idk. Not going out without a knife and pepper spray anymore.