I'm in a "life sucks, damned if you do, damned if you don't" mindset tonight. I had a short phone call with my mentor/spiritual director. He said he wants me to either have 3 months of mental health stability/a more consistent prayer life (these two often go hand in had for me) or 3 months of me continuing to be in this "maintain mode" I've been stuck in. The call dropped before I got a chance to say the very reason I wanted to have this conversation is because I'm trying to figure out how to live in a world involving both mental and physical illness. He knows it's been years since I've had stability so why do I have to wait even longer?

It feels like , outside of all of you, only my pdoc truly gets what I'm going through. I feel horribly alone at times because it's hard to always feel misunderstood when with others.

It's just really hard for me to find any meaning or purpose in life when all I get to do these days is battle my mental and physical health. I don't want to do anything to harm myself, I just can't see the point of my life right now.