It is very good that you see the problem. If you see it, you can work on it.

But please do find something for your child's sake. Break the generational pattern you are experiencing.

I grew up in an unhealthy home. Particularly when my daughter was little, parenting was very cognitive for me. For some people, parenting is easier because they naturally mimic healthy behaviors that were used on them. If you don't have healthy behaviors to draw from, then you may need to literally tell yourself to stop feeling and start thinking.

As long as the baby is in a safe place, walk away if you need to. You may be surprised at how quickly your anger dissipates if you seperate yourself. Then you can go back and see him with new eyes.

When DD was about 2, I was struggling with horrible anxiety and exhaustion, and she was just all defiant toddler. I know what my mother would have done, and didn't want to do that. When things would get too much, as long as she was in a safe situation, I'd just go outside alone for a few minutes. (Bathrooms are great hiding places too) It would generally only be 2-3 minutes before I felt calm and ready to go back and see her.

Eventually, my go-to move with DD was to hug her and tell her I loved her whenever she hit my last nerve. That was very soothing for both of us. A lot of times when little kids act out, it's because they're exploring and learning their world, or because they don't have the ability to understand and express what they're feeling. Maybe understanding that limitation would help you be more gentle with him?

You won't break the pattern overnight. It's something that the more you practice handling it in a healthy way, the more it becomes a second nature response.