Hi all. I have been pretty stable for a long while. As the seasons change and I transition into June, this is the month that I am always triggered. I am struggling with my weight and I was working with my psych and primary doctor to wean off the high doses of my medications. I didn't want to come off of them, just wean off a little of Latuda so that I can lose some weight Of course looking back, I see that I was going downhill and wasn't realizing it until one day I had suicidal ideation and had to tell my 19yo daughter because she was the only one home with me at the time. I made the counseling appointments and got into an emergency session and have them set up twice a week and went back up to my original doses.

I felt horrible because I had never shared these struggles with her and now she is burdened with my illness. It has helped in that she is sharing her own mental health struggles now and I am thankful for that.

I have been having physical psychosis in that I have felt like bugs are crawling all over me all the time. I am having dreams about about my suicide and family finding me. I am not suicidal so I am in an ok place right now.

My question is, for months I have been pursuing things outside of my 9-5. I wouldn't say grandiose things but definitely a leap out of what I do. I have a coach, healer, mentor, etc all to align myself with starting this new idea. The thing is I can do it, I have the resources, I know the people, I am capable but now I don't know if it was all just months of mania. Now, I feel like I have stepped back to 2014 when I was trying to find my stability. Are we allowed to have dreams and aspirations or are we too fragile to have those big ideas? I have a good job and a great husband and daughter. I feel like I should be content with that but I am always in the clouds wanting something bigger. Any thoughts or ideas on this? Do any of you struggle with this?