Picture scenarios in your head of people around you dying, and the aftermath?

I feel like I do it to prep. I've lost 11 people unexpectedly I've considered myself friends, lovers, or family with at some point, 8 to drugs/driving under the influence (3 I've watched), one to suicide (who I blame myself for because it was after I broke up with her and she told me she was going to do it. I just thought she was manipulating me into getting back together with her, but no, she followed through), and the other two were anaphylaxis and drowning.

So, yeah, if on my aunt's birthday I wake up and in my head picture her being murdered, dying by suicide, or just having plain ole' health problems and flip out at my mom for talking shyt about her, not letting me see her, fight about the funeral, it's a way for it to not hit as hard. It might sound like it's just giving me more stress in the moment, but when people have a risky lifestyle, surround themselves with incredibly abusive people, or are getting up there in age, it helps when the inevitable comes.