I've been addicted to downloading porn (illegally and legally) and ripped lots of scenes from retail DVDs the last 20 years and can't stop. It's been one of the only things I enjoy besides music because I have a severe mood disorder (and other disorders like dissociation as a teen, personality disorders, agitation) the last 45 yrs with virtually no relief after 5 ECT trials (37 treatments total), every medication, tons of hospitalizations and anhedonia has been real bad the last 15 years (the only things I enjoy now are music because I've played the guitar most of my life and porn) and been on disability most of my life. When I download I do it like 12 hrs a day and stay up til 6AM downloading and I TOTALLY forget about all of my severe symptoms and problems. I have well over 7 Terabytes of porn on hard drives and over 250 DVDs I've burned from scenes I've downloaded from every pornstar imaginable. When I found a pornstar I liked I had to have every one of their scenes. Ten yrs ago I had 2 huge boxes of DVDs that I burned (over 500) and I threw them all away because I lost my libido.Then I started back up again a few years ago. I can't really do it anymore because my energy is absolutely horrible especially since I started prozac 8 mths ago - all my multiple symptoms (absolutely tortuous mood, insomnia, can't relax or rest, zero energy, irritability, still don't enjoy people one bit after dissociating at 13) have been out of control.I've always had a high libido all of my life and first experienced porn in my teens. I'm not going to stop downloading because I love it.
I've had 4 girlfriends during my life and it never lasted long because I couldn't hold a conversation. I couldn't talk after I started dissociating in my teens/20s because I was so detached from myself and couldn't feel myself and couldn't talk most of my life and lost all my friends in high school and college.
I told my present psychiatrist that I download porn and he didn't say much and my father condemns me. He's the one that got me interested in porn as a teen because he used to buy Playboy magazine. I've always thought sex was a really positive and wonderful thing. (And I used prostitutes in the 90's and ran up my credit card debt and it was the best time of my life, imo.I met some beautiful women.)
I'm not really ashamed of porn because I enjoy it and it helps me forget about all my problems which nothing else has done. And I'm not religious at all.
I don't know what to tell you. Do you get pleasure from it? I'm in bad credit card debt too because I've bought some expensive things and heating oil is expensive.