its tough being a parent and watching your kids evolve into adults. The hardest part is the transition from child to adult because at some point the conversation has to change between the parent and child to one adult to another adult. Its a tough dynamic to embrace because that natural instinct to provide oversight and protection becomes a dated commodity if you're not recognizing them as adults now. But here's the thing... That door swings both ways. The child who is now an adult can not continue to view their parents as these individuals who must NOW accept all of their life choices. Everyone is an adult in the room at this stage which means in some ways, everyone is back to square one. Respect is earned, not entitled. If your daughter is looking at her request as approval from "mom and dad" well that's a loaded request, because she's not recognizing who the two of you are so much as using your label to say in effect, you HAVE to agree with her choices or you don't love her " like she thought". Well that's a cop out.

Are there four adults in the room or are we still playing house? Yes you will always see your kids as your kids. And yes both of you will always be mom and dad to your kids. But those relationships must evolve and mature so people do not feel trapped in a dated model of conversation and reasoning that no longer applies. If the two of you were atheist and she was marrying a Catholic does that suddenly become an issue? What if the two of you were well established financially and her choice for a partner was someone who couldn't support themselves? There can be a myriad of reasons why a child's choices in adult life do not blend with the parents that raised them.

My mom and dad were devote Christians but disowned me when I was in my 20's because I chose to have a woman live with me which was outside their "value system". In truth what it did was embarrass them because it compromised their image in front of family and friends. When I broke up with her about two years later, they said it was okay to come back. I refused because of their actions. So I gave as good as I got and eventually they came around and we made peace after it was agreed they handled the matter poorly. But let me say this about my situation. I never needed them to be "okay" with my choices because I was my own adult and so my world view may be different from theirs. I didn't need them to respect my choices so much as recognize me as an adult and respect THAT space I resided in. Disowning me was not only hypocritical of their own belief system, but it showed me they didn't want to respect my space as an adult to make my own choices. In the end they only hurt everyone in the picture, including themselves.

Your wife does NOT have to like the choices her daughter is making right now. That is her right as an adult. But she should still respect her daughters space as an adult and be accepting and loving to her regardless of her choices. Its okay to agree to disagree and your daughter needs to understand that too. Embrace tolerance and learn to live in peace with one another as adults. No two people are the same. Respect must be earned by learning to live together in spite of our differences. Once everyone in this picture embraces that, life can move forward. Its okay to have differences. No they are not your choices or your wife's choices. But they ARE your daughter's choices who IS an adult now. Respect that and move forward with your life while letting her have hers.