I let things build up to the point that they are overwhelming. And then I am paralyzed. I am so afraid and so anxious. My stomach is in knots and all I want to do is hide in bed. I would go for a drive, but that means that I might run into my landlord or someone else in the building. All I do is avoid, avoid, avoid. Even this is me avoiding what needs to be done.

I lost my job three years ago - was laid off after 18 years. I was happy the day I was laid off. I hated what I was doing and did not like my boss or my co-workers. I got a nice severance package - 9 months at full benefits. And I was completely vested in my 401-k retirement plan. Well I went through everything and now I have nothing. Haven't paid March rent, will owe the IRS about $2,000 and owe my credit card company $4,500 and rising. I don't answer my phone because it is only creditors calling. I stopped therapy because I couldn't afford it anymore. And I stopped all meds about 6 months ago.

My apartment is a mess. The kind of mess that makes the evening news. My sister called last week and said she was coming up to visit. She said I couldn't say "no". She said I couldn't hide anymore. She said she would help me clean. She said she loved me (I am very lucky in family and a few close friends - they are the only reason I don't drive off a cliff). She said she wouldn't love me any less. But I hate myself and I am so afraid.