Thanks ((((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))))) for the hugs and supportive comments.

I finally broke down and left a message for my T on his voice mail. I don't think he'll check his work voice mail until he returns on Monday (his message says he's out of the office and "if you care to leave a message" he'll be returning calls on Monday). I started the message by saying that if he IS listening to it over vacation, to hit the "save" button and listen to it Monday instead, and paused to give him time to do that. I absolutely don't want to bug him on his vacation, but I just felt like I was hanging by a thread, and it was the only coping mechanism I could think of that didn't involve some sort of harm to myself.

He encourages me to call and vent to his voice mail when I'm having a hard time, and I do that sometimes. I've tried everything - posting on here, journaling a LOT, distracting myself with fun things (guitar hero), distracting myself with busy things (cleaning house)....and I was out of ideas.

I actually DO feel better after leaving the message. I was a sobbing mess on the phone - he's seen me cry once, but never like this, and I've never left that kind of message. I guess in retrospect, I'm kind of embarrassed about that But now I feel less desperate, anyhow. I'm not even sure what's WRONG - i just know that I feel really bad.

Stay tuned for a future thread about "is my T mad at me because I left a voice mail during his vacation?". Ha ha. Just kidding (I think). I'm going to try to not let myself go there. I know that I tried a lot of other things first, I made it for 8 days, and T would rather have me call him than some of the alternatives.

Sigh.