I haven't been able to function the last 45 yrs due to dissociation in my teens/20s/30s, severe mood/anxiety disorders, agitation, etc. and been trying to pull myself together last 45 yrs and can't do it. I can't gain confidence, overcome challenges, haven't felt like myself or liked myself or been in a good mood in 45 yrs.
I didn't feel anything around people anymore when I started dissociating at 13 and became very detached from myself and couldn't talk for most of my life (and lost all my friends because I couldn't hold a conversation or enjoy myself) and the main problem with dissociation is not being able to identify with yourself which I've had most of my life plus 3 other stages of dissociation. I was perfectly fine before 13.
I just figured out that I dissociated 10 yrs ago after doing research because I had no idea what was happening to me from 13-50 yrs old.
NO professional the last 10 yrs has wanted to talk about dissociation, personality disorders or asbergers. I've told Residents and top psychiatrists (with tons of worldwide education) at Johns Hopkins about my dissociation and severe mood disorder as a teen and that it damaged my personality (took away everything I had going for me) and haven't felt the same since 13 and none of them would talk about it or knew what to say. The top Dr at Hopkins said "Damaged your personality??" and was dumbfounded and didn't say anything.
I still don't feel anything around people and totally frustrates me.
I told my present psychiatrist that I've had to relearn how to connect and talk to people the last 45 yrs and he got mad at me and said "You're trying too hard. You have a loop in your head and you have to stop! I don't want you to do anything".
I really don't have any gratitude except that I'm grateful for my father who's been my only friend and supported me but he can't remember or listen to anything I tell him anymore, still doesn't understand how I feel or understand what mood or energy or a nervous breakdown are at all. (The rest of my family hasn't talked to me in years).

I didn't accomplish anything I wanted to in my life except I managed to get an engineering degree somehow (I was extremely sick in college and been hospitalized 28 times since then, 37 ECT treatments total, taken every med all with 99.9% no relief) and been on disability most of my life. I wish I could like myself and that's been my goal all my life but my persistent symptoms stand in the way of me functioning the way I want to.
Sorry for all the complaining...