It sounds like your standard of living is higher living with him than it would be, if you lived on your own, since he brings in a second income and it's higher than your income. It sounds like he pays his own bills and pays his share of the household bills. Detaching would mean not paying his tab at the liquor store and not cleaning up any financial mess that he creates due to drinking. It doesn't sound like he is sticking you with those kind of debts. Detaching means not enabling, among other things. It also means not trying to reason with someone who is drunk or drugged.

If you avoid talking with him when he is sober, that sounds less like detachment and more like giving someone "the silent treatment." To give someone the "cold shoulder," in the hope that they'll reform to win back affection is really the opposite of detachment. It is an attempt to influence behavior through punishment. I've been there and done that. I understand. One tries everything. So did I.

You want to hug him, but you are withholding hugs, until he complies with your requirements for getting hugs. Sorry, but that is a program of trying to influence and control him. I would endorse not hugging or not talking to anyone while they are inebriated. But to be minimally verbal with someone around the clock, regardless of whether ETOH is on-board, is to be walking around with a perpetual grudge. Perhaps I'm misunderstanding.

Detachment for me didn't start to kick in, until I let go of the idea that my alcoholic owed me something. (I never totally let go of it because I'm human. I was as prone to relapsing into wrong thinking as he was.) I think it's near impossible not to get angry about and with the alcoholic in one's life. "After all, he led me to believe I could count on him, and instead he dashed my dreams. He had no right to do that." Actually, he had the right to make his own choices . . . and so do I . . . and so do you. What we don't have is the right to require someone else to live as we think they should.