It sounds like you have a good therapist, and she tries to get you to focus on your thoughts, feelings, and wants, which is good.

I recently picked up a book of short essays by Melody Beattie, and there was one about being "in orbit." It honed in on how we can end up orbiting around other people, even when we don't realize it. Its an interesting thing to think about. There are times that I realize that DD and I have spent time talking about h, or how to handle a situation with him, and it sort of feels like our day/morning/whatever inadvertently got taken over by his mess. It really is important to be the center of your own universe - and that's not to say in a way thats detrimental to the well being of your family--- having disordered dad be the center of the family focus is surely very unhealthy- it robs other family members of feeling like valid players.

It's interesting that you talk about his inability to cope and handle situations. That's just something we should be able to expect from adults, especially those who have children and should be modeling adult emotional regulation for them. Isn't that frustrating? My DD is old enough, and understands enough at this point, that she will just walk away and go find her own thing to do. Since I don't have to worry about intervening on her part, I just walk away too- if that's an option. The old "don't reenforce negative behaviors by giving it attention."

It does sound like he's making attempts at progress, albeit slow. That he didn't overreact, and acknowledged your feelings is good, though I agree with you that it's sad that isn't just second nature.

---->I wanted to ask you if that is what you do when things are better/your H is better? What is your best strategy for not letting yourself get caught up in the pendulum swings?<----

Not sure you'll like the answer to this--- I used to live in a part of the country where the jet stream dipped up and down over the area. There they say, "if you don't like the weather, wait a day.". That describes my H as he's been the last few years. Even when he's in a more pleasant state of mind, you know it isn't going to last. To date, he's on a pretty consistent rollercoaster. If he at least looked like there was steady improvement, it might be easier to roll through the rougher times. But the truth is, him being in a good mood doesn't change much, within a short time, the other guy will be back. And even in a good mood, something can push him back the other way in a second. This sort of experience gives me a lot of pause for thought about how much a person can or should tolerate.

As far as how to not get caught up in the swings? Focus on living your own life! I know that's been said a lot, but it's true. The best thing you can do is let him be responsible for himself (he is an adult!) and you get on with your life the best you can. Focus on making sure you're out of his orbit, and not getting sucked into his gravitational pull

How's your summer been so far? We're still recovering from all the school activities...