Ok Ill communicate better what my actual issue is
Thank you for all the replies!

My problem is that she seems to tell everyone I am closed from x date to y date. I used to really struggle with this and chose to keep it to myself out of respect for her time off. The thoughts of it would affect my therapy and I would use bad coping mechanisms to be able to keep it to myself .
Once I was in major distress and did contact her on one of these weeks. And got invited to a session on a particular day between x and y as ‘I am opening as there are a few people who really need it’

She is always great at responding to my outside session messages, offers a ‘secret session’ when she thinks I need it and is always contactable. It makes me feel like I am being rewarded for communicating my distress. That’s the issue I think. I am not always able to communicate like that especially if anything is off with us and I will fall into my bad coping mechanisms thinking it’s the right thing to do because she is off work. So I can think I’m respecting her while hurting myself and my therapy and all the while there is a good chance she is doing secret sessions anyway but I won’t know until I reach out to her. It just bothers me. I know it’s a me issue.