I'm just trying to figure out the source of these feelings.

Telling they are illogical doesn't do anything. I know they're illogical. That's why I'm trying to figure out the source of them.


People experience things like anxiety, depression, phobias, hallucinations.... Telling them those feeling are irrational isn't the point. Typically, people know those feelings are irrational.

I want these feelings to change, so I'm going to examine them and try and figure out the source.


This speaks to me:
Your empathy was like playing the slot machines at vegas. You put in empathy hoping for a return but only a few coins trickled out to keep you playing & investing empathy, hoping & hoping that you would hit the jackpot that was never part of the programming on the machine (your wife) you were gambling on

Except..... That early on there were big payouts in that she WAS a good partner in the start, and very rarely there were other significant payouts in thoughtfulness, etc.

But that is all part of the "hook" of intermittent reinforcement.

But it's left me conditioned to try to make peace and placate her when I'm stressed.

And I'm also scared of inflaming things worse. The thing is, I don't know where her "off" switch is. Once I start actually fighting back, I can see her becoming venomously angry, and I'm conditioned to be scared of the emotional pain and disruption she can cause me.