What you are describing is exactly what a relationship with a narcissist is like. They don’t love, they are looking for a feed and they can’t regulate their emotions so they like to USE someone empathetic for that. You learned that the only way to feel safe is when she was satisfied in some way. This is codependency and she had your children do the same.

It all revolves around HER. Add her abuse of alcohol and that just compounds the problem. Alcohol abuse creates varying moods and as far as anxiety goes, alcohol abuse only makes the condition worse.