Hiring a divorce lawyer isn't cheap. Try to get your money's worth out of the one you hired. Financial negotiations should probably be delegated to attorneys. Let your attorney tell you when your input is needed. Follow the advice of counsel on how to best insulate your financial affairs from her reckless ways with money, at least going forward.

You probably should not be initiating contact with her, other than in a businesslike way, as absolutely necessary.

Divorce is not a walk in the park for anyone. There's bound to be scarey aspects to it. The only way that might be less true is if neither party has any money and there's no joint assets and no children are involved. That's not your situation, so it would be very strange, if you felt carefree in the midst of all this. That would not be normal.

Your feelings will change, when your circumstances change. Only time will bring that about.

Personally, I've never been persuaded that feelings can be changed by analyzing them. Maybe that's just me.

Another thing to keep in mind is that none of us gets to control outcomes. We do the best we can with our inputs. Then fate, or God, or chance enters the picture, and you see where you're at. You can't deal with an outcome, until it presents itself. Prior to that, we don't know what the outcome is going to be. Where there is uncertainty, there will be anxiety. Where there is the risk of loss, there will be fear.