I would never advise anyone to stop thinking and analyzing. I thought you had reached a decision to divorce your wife. If you're not sure you want to do that, I would never say you should. The only one who can make that decision is you. You are the one who is an expert on what living with this woman is like . . . at least what it was like for you. Your therapist and your lawyer are not.

If you don't see your wife as an alcoholic, you don't have to. It's not like she has to be an alcoholic, as a precondition for you having a right to divorce her. You seem to think you have to establish that your wife has a psychiatric disorder or an addiction, in order for you to have a right to get divorced. There's no such requirement.

If you go to some Al-Anon meetings, you'll meet some members who have remained married to alcohol-abusing spouses. You'll meet others who have left their heavy-drinking partners. There is no right or wrong decision in this matter. You have the right to leave your marriage . . . or not. You say you have spent "years, looking for proof." What is it that you would like to "prove?"

Even if you feel certain that you want to proceed with divorce, it is still perfectly normal for you to have uncomfortable feelings about ending the marriage. Feelings of grief would be normal.

You totally have the right to voice your feelings. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. Feelings simply are. With all that is at stake, of course you are thinking about her and about the marriage. It's okay to do that, even to an obsessive degree. You probably won't begin to relax mentally, until the divorce is finalized, custody decided, and the marital assets split up. Probably most people would be chewing their fingernails, until those matters get resolved.

If you're trying to "sort out" whether your wife does or doesn't have alcoholic dementia, I don't think it's your responsibility to make that determination. You can wonder about it all you like. Even if she had no dementia whatsoever, you would still have a right to divorce her, if you believe you need to leave this marriage.

If you want full custody of your kids, then I guess you have to make the case that your minor children are unsafe in the care of their mother. You don't make that case by gathering opinions from mental health professionals. You tell what you know. For instance, a judge will care, if your wife has a history of operating a motor vehicle, while "under the influence." If she ever got arrested for that, her arrest is not an opinion. It's a fact. If she has been abusive toward the kids, the judge will need to hear specific details of that. You might want to start a notebook where you start organizing your thoughts about what you remember, with respect to her behaving badly toward the children. If you end up forced to share custody, then that notebook could become a place to record any irresponsible behavior that she displays, with dates and times. Child custody arrangements do get renegotiated from time to time.