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Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal
I'm deep in thought this morning about the concept of a "good goodbye" in therapy. As in, is there even such a thing and if there is, how necessary is it? I wonder if because I canceled my last session and told her on the phone I'm not coming back - did I cheat myself out of something I actually need? And that's why I keep getting these every-now-and-then moments of missing L? Or would I be having them anyway, even if I had gone in and talked about how messed up our relationship got, and allowed myself the chance to say goodbye in person? I'm working hard to accept that it's a moot point by now, 4.5 months later, but I can't seem to stop thinking about it. All opinions/viewpoints welcome.
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This is an interesting question. For both ex-T and ex-MC, I basically just announced at the end of the session that I (or we) was (or were) leaving, though with ex-T, it was meant to be temporary. It was just, "Well, I'm going to try consulting with someone else--I'll either come back to working with you in a month or two or at least come in for a termination session." I never went for that termination session--I realized I'd be doing it for her (because I said I would and felt guilty about how I left after 6 years), not for me. So what was the point really?
And I doubt ex-MC was surprised we were leaving, though maybe at the specific timing. We'd been trying to work things through off and on for a couple months.
When I initially terminated with Dr. T in 2019 (which feels like eons ago)--that was during a conflict and a session trying to work things through, then I just realized I couldn't. Well, I guess I changed my mind two weeks later!
I've actually talked with him about "termination sessions," in part regarding whether I should do one with ex-T. He said in his experience, they're fairly rare, like spending a whole session (or more) talking about the end of therapy, what the client has accomplished, etc. He said it's more common how I did it, where a client will say, at the end of session, "OK, I don't plan to come back" or "I'm taking a break" or whatever. Not in the case of conflict pre se, but just them announcing they think they're good and don't need more therapy at that time.
I think there's this whole thing--at least I know there is for me--about wanting "closure" with someone when a relationship ends, whether it's therapy, romantic, friendship, etc. Aside from a few romantic relationships, where things were really talked through, it seems more likely for me that things have ended in one of three ways: suddenly blowing up and ending a bit messily, mutual drifting apart, or someone basically ghosting the other (see: my former best friend for that last one).
Sometimes, closure of some kind happens years later, if you talk again. Other times, it doesn't. I'm not sure the closure necessarily helps in the long run, aside from helping me to understand what happened. Unless it's a mutual drifting apart, there's likely going to be some pain and sadness there, and closure isn't going to magically make it all better.
Sorry, that was really long--this is something I've given a lot of thought to, if you can't tell. Like I've thought before that I wish I could have a sort of closure session with ex-MC, but Dr. T has pointed out that I might not get what I want from it, that I'd want to make sure it's a case where my main goal is maybe to share some thoughts and be content with that, rather than expecting a certain outcome. (Same if I were to talk to my parents about certain things from childhood, say.)
So maybe it wouldn't have helped you to do that with L, unless you'd have felt better getting something out in person or maybe having a final hug or whatever. You did at least have that phone call. I'll stop now.
