From my therapy experience, she helped me understand what I went through including why the people (parents & husband) made life so difficult for me & that helped me understand that it was NOT me who was the cause. Yea, the way I responded to them never used good interpersonal skills & were the skills I taught myself as a kid to survive & thrive in my own very independent way.
It was important to understand the past, the cause (dealing with a dad that was most likely on the spectrum) & then a husband who was actually diagnosed with aduld ADD but missed the spectrum diagnoses that knowing the past history of him made the dot connection even if not formally dx'ed.
It was only with the information of all I had gone through & where I was after all that was no longer in my life & how I functioned without it that my T was able to help me integrate that past with my present & finally understand all the pieces of my life. Knowing that my reactions to those people in my life were what normal people would experience even though I could have responded in a healthier way, truly has helped me heal. I also learned healthier skills to respond with (though sometimes I choose not to use them if I really am pissed off).
We need to know what we were dealing with because sometimes it gives us a better feel for what we are legally dealing with & the direction we can help our lawyers understand to take when necessary. Like my now ex would never respond to any of my lawyers. Didn't show up for the court case & was/is in contempt of the judgment the judge ruled. Given that knowledge my current RE lawyer in Calif knows what she is up against & can plan accordingly.
It took me years after I left my marriage to figure out whether what I went through was abuse (emotional/ financial). Whether it was intentional or not. Why I responded to only those people with anger but no one else. I needed to sort through it all for my own understanding. I knewvwalking out on him was the best choice I had ever made in my life but I also needed to know why. I have always been the kind of person who needs the "WHY?" answered so I know & so that I can put words to my feelings. It took me years after leaving before I had words to truly explain my feelings & the only feelings I identified were anger. Being able to have words to explain the anger in my marriage opened the door to find the words to express what I had felt toward my parente growing up.
Knowing & understanding what you have been dealing with all your life & understanding the attached feelings at least for me was the only way I have been able to heal.
I never cry but from the time I left (2007) until 2011, every time I came into theraoy I burst into tears....once I started to grasp a real understanding of the emotions/anger that caused the tears & understood what I had actually dealt with all my life, that was when real healing started.
MD, do what you need for your own healing process to remove the guilt & shame. I didn't learn this to excuse away their behaviors but so I could understand the effect their behaviors had on me all those years & finally take control over that. Knowledge is power even when applied to yourself