I would like to start off my mentioning a few things before I dive into why I am even writing this in the first place.

The first being: this will more than likely turn into a rather long read. So if that is not your cup of tea, if you're just not into reading three to six pages of someone's problems, albeit story, then I would encourage you to altogether stop reading here, as this post is simply not for you.
Secondly: I can only guess some reading this (if anyone does at all) will come to the conclusion I am simply being selfish here, that or just too needy and that I should get a life. That being said, however, you would really need to understand my past to fully be able to make such a conclusion as such, as my past is – well, its extremely complicated (which is a huge understatement) to say the least. So please, if (you are even still reading at this point) you're able, please try to understand that life doesn't always turn out the way in which you originally thought it would, that and (if able), if I may ask, please, try and be nice when commenting, albeit sharing your thoughts, here in the comment section.
And Lastly: If you are sensitive and triggered easily by certain subjects, topics or content. Then please, be forewarned, what's said herein may be upsetting to some, that or triggering in some way (and if it does, I am deeply sorry for that being the case - as I am already having reservations about posting this at all).

And without further ado

Before I go any further, I believe in order for anyone to fully understand where I am coming from here. I would first need to go back a few years, back to the year 2017, and elaborate some on why I am even here in this present moment at all.

I was working the job I held for the last 30yrs (prior to the end of 2022), working in the bar industry as a DJ (Ive worked multiple different positions within that business, yet I digress). Was standing in the DJ booth one night, when, along came someone I had a crush on for a very long time. Mind you, I had been single for 10 long years (willingly I might add, wouldnt let anyone get close to me, simply bcuz I knew that no one would ever be able to accept, much less be able to handle all my issues, so yeah, I stayed single for 10yrs due to this fact).

And amid the short conversation we had, mainly some small talk about what's been going on in our lives and whatnot, she asked if I would be interested in coming over to her place and keep her company (because at this point in her life, it had been three months since her and her ex broke it off).

I don't honestly know what I was thinking, however, elated with excitement that anyone - never mind it being her of all people - would want me to keep them company. So without a second thought I jumped at the chance (just gotta love how unadulterated isolation can drive one to do strange things at strange times).

Yet as time went on I start noticing a pattern, as I wanted to spend more time with her, however, she would always dodge those attempts by coming up with one excuse to the next. I had lost count after making 23 dates with her, yet not once did we ever go on a single date. It wasnt until we were finally done and over with that I - fully realized - I wanted more than she did (as I was “the rebound guy”).

Unfortunately, having already spent 10 long years being single prior to all this, when I first came into this (I dont know what you call it, as it wasn't a typical relationship by any standard - call it, an extended booty call that just wouldnt go away maybe?) I had high hopes that “this relationship” would be different from all my failed attempts at having a successful relationship in the past. Alas, however, I was sorely wrong in this line of thinking, as it took quite a toll on me mentally (and physically if im being 1000% honest).

Not only did the affects of this relationship send me into one of the worst depressions I had ever experienced to date. It also had taken such a toll on me, that I ended up losing some 70 lbs from being unable to bring myself to eat (much less get up and do any thing normal around the house, like house chorus, or even something as simple as taking a bath/ shower). This depression lasted for, give or take, about six years (not fully a 100% and out of the woods just yet, as that will become clearer as I continue on).

Yet due to not having very many friends in my life, due to being quite the agoraphobic recluse (think its been going on four months now, Ive stepped foot past my front door, maybe all of but five times), I had one friend at this time in my life who I turned to quite a bit back then, simply for someone to communicate with.

Yet as it would turn out, her and I ended up becoming more than friends after some time i had broke it off with - eh, names aren't important here, as you get what im saying here. Sadly, however, due to her busy life-style (which I didnt come to know about until later on), she was never really able to be there for me when I truly needed someone. In the beginning she was, but as time went on it became less and less due to her busy schedule (especially when it truly mattered).

And for me, due to how all my past relationships have turned out (along w/ how my childhood was, which was extremely abusive, more like beyond traumatic than anything else). All I have ever wanted in this life was someone who could be there, the same way In which ive been there for so many through out the decades (to be honest, I wanted what I'd never had as a child, a family of my own. Sadly however, this has not been in the deck of cards I was dealt in this life).

Nevertheless, aside from her trying in the beginning, I can't honestly say I know what it means to have a Support System (I can't even come to grips with the concept to be honest, as Ive always been alone. Always had to struggle through the tough times, always woke up after each suicide attempt with the harsh reality – I have absolutely no one in my life who gives a rats arss about whether or not I live or die).

Yet, it was just the other day my older brother came over to do some work around our dads house (as I am dog and house sitting for him while he is away on vacation). And while he was here, he brings up a few "key things" which end up triggering me (unbeknownst to him btw). Never mind the fact my brother is 9 years older, yet never allows me to get a word in edge wise, or even bothers to really listen the few times Im able to say anything at all. He has been here every single day since our dad left to go on vacation, yet with each passing day, its been harder and harder having him around (as I sit here silently suffering).

One of the things he brought up was my current ex (though he doesn't know her and I had broke it off at this point). And while it was innocent enough, him bringing her up, it sent me down a downward spiral of uncontrollable emotions and thoughts.

Simply because I just learned that my (now current) ex, her family is sending her on a business trip of sorts (more of a babysitting business trip, but still). Yet not once has she ever bothered to tell her family about me (even when we were together). She has kept me a secret. Only her niece knows I even exist, as she accidentally found out some how along the way.

Yet this very thing, being kept a secret, has been a HUGE factor as to why I decided to break it off with her. Simply because, my entire family – knows - about her. However, when the shoe is on the other foot, in relation to her family, not one of them (save her niece) knows I even exist.

And well, when you grew up knowing that your parents didnt even want you, as both have said as much to my face, never mind the fact not one single relationship you've been in has been successful (not that I even know what it means to have a successful relationship), it all fills you with this overwhelming desire to have that which you've never had in your life - at least this has been the case for me for as long as I can remember anyways (wanting more than there was growing up).

Last night even, once I learned of this new (babysitting) business trip she is going on, that her parents demand she go on, it filled me with such anger I cannot even begin to put it into words. I ended up telling her, everyone in your life/ within your family gets what they want from you. Yet when it comes to me, I feel as if I am the dirty little secret kept up underneath the table, only to get the table scraps which fall upon the floor (mind you, we have been in each others lives for the last six years).

And yet, I cant help but feel this is my reward in this life. Always getting the shaft, so to speak, or as I always say – I am the unwanted and unseen ghost which languidly drifts through a crowded room. Feels like the more I try to have people in my life, the more I open up/ the more anyone gets to know me, the less and less anyone wants to be in my life.

When I was younger (this might sound odd, however) I was able to turn off all emotions, where there simply would be nadda, zip, zilch, nothing. Completely and utterly devoid of all feeling. However, the more and more I did this, the more I found it became harder and harder for me to turn back on said emotions once I felt enough time had passed being lost in that state. I feel like, even though I might not be able to turn em back on, It would be better off for everyone if I were to simply turn off these unwanted emotions (I simply do not know anymore)

Apologies, however for rambling on if you've gotten this far. Thanks for taking the time to read all about my messed up life. And sorry if it has upset or triggered anyone. Genuine Sympathy (((Huggs))) if so.