I was aleady to go and talk about some of the things I've posted here this morning, but as the time neared, I found myself feeling irritable and angry that T is only there mon and friday and not all the time....I needed her this week, I feel as If I've had battles in my head and had to go through it alone...I sat on the edge of my bed last night, realising that nothing works to make me feel better now...watching TV? crap, reading a book? crap, fantasing how clever I will become if I read another good book? crap, thoughts about my past drinking yrs, and realised that was just CRAP!, on holiday from work for a wk now and that should make me feel full of joy? CRAP! I realised at that point, that I can not go back to my old ways of escape, nothing works like it use too...so I arrive at T and feel so angry! I tell her whats the point? Your not there when I need you...T says, you needed me? you didnt let me know...I said I can't keep doing that...then the foot tapping starts and I feel myself getting angrier and angrier, and I accuse T of being a fake, I tell her shes got what she wants, my fantasys are going and now here I am in the real world, and It aint that great!!!...more silences...then tears just dripping....I tell T whats the point in anything, we're alone as the day we are born and everything else is just an illusion!....T says, I notice the words you choose, being alone as the day we are born...she then says, not all babies are alone the day they are born...more tears, more tap footing...then I begin to see my whole childhood flash in my mind, the loneliness of it all...and then I say...ok the silences in this room are working..your tool to make me experience the silence of my childhood is working..I give in..I feel it...more tears, more tap footing...T says, you feel I ;m doing something to you?...I go yeah....then I realise what I really mean is why weren't you my mum, why did I get the one I had and man that realisation hurts...it brings the reality right up in front of your eyes...so I say this too T..she says, I know, its unfair...then I say WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????? she says, there is no answer to that...I know then that I have climbed the mountain and reached the top...the pain is over....T says very quietly, I think all the drinking and drugging and fantasys were to stop you feeling that loneliness...after a minute i say, I think your right...in that moment everything fell into place...I said with 3mins to go that I need to go now, I Have a blinding headache and I get up....I cry all the way home in the car, but these tears are more of relief then pain!!....