When I got on it, I was in and out of the hospital. My present situation isn’t that bad. I’m not even sure I am sick enough to go back on it even though I don’t require a medical. I suspect I am going through an adjustment reaction and probably depression since I am lazy and unmotivated. Doing simple things takes a lot of effort. This illness (if I can call it that) feels situational. Employment would probably help get me out of this dark place.
My psychiatrist mentioned medication at my last appointment. She has been trying to motivate me to find work since it has shown to have a positive effect on my mental health and get help from family to pay my rent. I don’t think she wants me to go back on the ODSP. Apparently I was only one of two patients to get off it in her 30 + year career.
It’s hard not to feel conflicted and guilty. Knowing I have a permanent disability besides mental illness doesn’t ease those feelings, since that disability didn’t prevent me from working full-time hours.
I can’t find work right now. Ontario Works is not an option since it would not cover my rent. These reasons along with the previously mentioned ones don’t feel valid enough to seek the assistance of the ODSP.
It feels like I am about to commit a crime.
I’m dreading the upcoming appointment with the caseworker.