Brown Owl / good question. I guess I just saw it as some sort of progression but it’s not really since I’m not sure which is worse. I just hate that I depend on her so I am trying to be positive and I just ended up like this anyway

LT that makes so much sense, I worry too that something will happen but I worry about that whether she’s here or not. Discussing fill in Ts etc would mean I’d have to communicate how hard I find it when she’s gone and I don’t think she takes me having suicidal ideation very well. The last time she didn’t react well and admitted it’s because she feels she’s not helping me enough. So sometimes things are best kept to myself or only shared here. I am allowed contact but I feel it’s not appropriate

Scarlet - I know it doesn’t help, and yet it does. I have managed to not do it but I think that’s because I’m just too hopeless. So I don’t think it’s necessarily a good thing. I used to do it so I could keep going