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Originally Posted by zoiecat
I'm sorry this move is upsetting you so much LT. I did have a couple of observations regarding this particular post. I know I have mentioned this before but you saying you have trouble accepting that both things can be true triggered me regarding DBT again. A dialectic is when 2 opposites are true at the same time. DBT teaches a lot of skills that can help you with many of your apparent symptoms including Distress Tolerance. It may be helpful for you to explore.
My second observation is regarding the perceived inappropriateness of him voicing his dissatisfaction with the cost and delay of the move. You have mentioned in multiple threads that you wish you could speak to him as a friend, that you would like to know how ''he'' is doing as a person but you know he would not go for that. It seems to me that he finally did share his true feelings as a person (I am not agreeing that this is right as a therapist) but you are not pleased with that either. No need to answer but is it because he is expressing his own negative experience, would it be better for you if he was expressing something positive in his life? Or is it that he is expressing his true feelings that don't directly impact you? EX: Would it be more acceptable if he would be talking to you like a friend and only expressing his feelings about you. Either way, it seems like he was talking to you as a friend would.
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Thanks, Zoie. I know you've mentioned DBT before, and I bought a workbook at one point, but didn't get very far. Maybe I do need to look into it more. I do think I've gotten better with distress tolerance and will try various things to get through it, but it doesn't always work.
As for the friend thing, I'm not sure it's necessarily about him expressing something positive. What tends to be difficult for me, including this time, is that it's generally all on his terms. He might choose to share something on his own. But if I had asked him the question--like, "how much is this costing" (though that would seemed too intrusive, and I wouldn't have asked that) or "what exactly did the contractors do wrong?" he likely would not have answered me.
He's admitted this himself, that he'll volunteer something when he chooses to, but doesn't like to answer that sort of question when asked. Even something much more benign, like, "Did you have a good vacation?", which is something I'd ask a coworker that I didn't know well upon their return. So it still shows a huge imbalance in the relationship.
I think it was also him showing anger and frustration that felt difficult, because I wasn't sure how to respond. In a way, I wanted to take care of him and support him in a way like I would with a friend. But I wasn't sure what my place was and what was OK as he was sitting there ranting and cursing. Note that I don't have an issue with cursing, but he only does it on occasion, so it was jarring to hear how he referred to the contractor, for example.