To seven years ago, I would have been more present, more aware. Not so quick to get a boyfriend, not so quick to "fall in love".
I would have slowed down and said to myself, be careful, not so fast. I would have asked myself if it was truly what I wanted.
I would have hit the brakes when I saw red flags. I would have put myself FIRST. I would have taken a really close, good look at the man in front of me. I would not have let his words become mine so quickly. I would have been more brave to speak up when I didn't like something. I would have followed my heart ❤️
I would have valued me. I would not have justified or made excuses for his behavior. I would not have been so impulsive. I would have been smarter. I would have left and found a new path.
Now ... 1.5 years of marriage, and nothing to show. Every happy moment I ruined. Every milestone marked by pain. Our wounds are open; no one doesn't know. Constant fights, exhaustion, depression, crying, repeat
I was in a misty, cloud. Carried away by the wind. Drifting away from family, friends, him ... Myself. I was wrapped up in loving love. Wanting love.
When the fog was lifted, I saw myself and asked: why did you get married? Didn't you ever ask yourself? Why did you waste so much time? Why? How come? Why? Aren't you ashamed? Are you just STUPID? YES. I am. I am very stupid.
The truth is: I don't know why or how I got here. And I only have myself to blame. I am now 34. With no prospects of ever having children. It's too late to leave, we're in too far now.
The hurt I've caused him. The hurt I've caused a lot of people. The hurt I've caused myself. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Why did I let my happiness slip away? Some days I want to die. Some days I want to scream.
If we part, I will die alone. I will be ridiculed once again. I will never know true happiness because I wasted my youth. I will be another statistic. I will be the talk of the town. All of my mistakes and flaws revealed to the world.
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I could go on about these truths.
These truths I've yet to unpack with my own therapist. The shame, the judgement, the embarrassment.