raspberrytorte - I'm sorry if I laid into you. Most of us are guilty of posting TMI stuff here, myself included. But then that's mania. None of us would be posting in the bipolar forum without mania!

Today, I need everything I post to be taken with a grain of salt. I'm manic right now. But it feels good; I don't want it to end! I'm happy other than I can't focus and keep having panic attacks. I can't even focus to watch tv. It's a miracle I can sort of type posts today but everyone can see I am posting much more than I usually do today.

Updated: oh thank GOD! H was pretty cool about it. Well, he did make me promise him I would not drive until after my next pdoc appointment on Wednesday (which he is going to also). He said he is so glad I didn’t have an accident and we hugged. Then he said “ Well we needed gas anyway! Just please don’t drive right now and do not tinker with your medication you are not a psychiatrist and you are taking stuff you forget I about taking. I worry you will accidentally overdose. Then DD and I will be lost. We both love you”. So at least he was sweet about it. He knows ALL the symptoms of mania and I have got most all of them. You name it, I have got it and SHYT ! STOp blueberry! You are having pressured writing! The last pdoc did want me in them hospital but after she spoke to H let me stay home if H could monitor me and if I could at least sleep more than 2 hours per night.

OMG, I did something H is going to hate when I tell him. While he and my daughter were still sleeping, I drove the car to the gas station and gassed it up. I had a 10 minute panic attack and managed to wait it out after pulling into a parking space (though I didn't make it between the lines). How I didn't hit another car IDK. I'm scared to tell H. He doesn't know yet. But I feel guilty not telling him; I mean he knows all my baggage and crap and probably more than he wants to know and more than he signed up for 20 years Aug. 4th. He knew I had mental health issues when we married, of course, but it's gotten worse as the years go by (that has a name I used to know but can't remember in my current state; let me know if anyone knows).

Scared, tired but wired, happy, panicky, frustrated (especially with lack of focus - I mean, I can't even concentrate to watch a TV program, going to try listening to music after telling H what I did this morning.)

I have re-edited this 6 times and it's STILL not right!