I'm trying to figure out if I had one major trigger or smaller multiple triggers leading up to a trigger leading to this God awful state of mind. There's been a failed interview, finding out about the possibility of moving (shared independent living home) and filling out paperwork for that, getting to the end of The Goblet of Fire, seeing that dog die, having that "who can cuss louder" contest with my mom, needing to get a PCP and totally procrastinating, etc. etc.

I talked to my CM last night, and she just kept saying how great things are happening--which they are--but with BPD and being seemingly okay the day prior, your active pain and alternating desires to poke the bear or off yourself don't mean shyt to my team.