Jello,
It creeps me out too on many levels. I don't know I slept on this issue and tried to clear my mind of the all the drama during my walk today and was able to settle down a little bit. In the stillness of my morning walk, Although the fear is still really powerful, I found a deeper part of me that sees this as a personal healing opportunity. Sky... I am speechless. After accessing this internal place during my walk. I shower and logon and see your response. Again coincidence, maybe, maybe not.

I don't know what I am going to do yet. Yesterday I scoured the massage literature to see what exactly I'm getting into. I've also scheduled an appointment with the director of admissions to visit the school to find out how the classes are conducted, what is expected, what I am in for.

Here is another coincidences. I was cleaning the dark and very dirty areas of my house yesterday. A coping mechanism I do when I can't focus on other stuff. What do I find, 2 two year old business are of the massage therapist who I when to once before. Although I was really triggered by the experience, she was very nice, competent, was obviously aware of the tension in my body but seemed to leave space for it. I was thinking that maybe I could test the waters by scheduling a less intense session with her again. Maybe start with fully clothed chair massage. I don't know.. just writing that gave me the chills. I think I need to walk on it again.

I really want to call my T, but I also want to handle this on my own.

Thank you everyone for helping me deal with the mental explosion in my head. You all are really great. Thank you Sky, you've given me what I needed to continue to try and settle myself and figure out what at this moment.