@Mountaindewed, I seriously hope you take @Blueberrybook's word to heart. You're encouraging some of our stupid ED thoughts, and you're unnecessarily making your health issues worse. EVERYONE on this forum is already struggling enough, and I think it's important that we work on taking actions to recover, or at least look at ourselves and question if what we're doing right now is working, and what might we do to change it if it's not? It's easy to sit in the shyt we've been sitting in and got comfy in, but is it really good to be comfy sitting in shyt?
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I was freaking happy when I was destroying my life and making myself miserable. I was always comfy in chaos. It took a shytty relationship*** to get me to realize I am an embarrassing mess of a person and I need to stop creating and attracting absolute insanity. I'm trying to keep things as boring as possible now, and I'm more even and not wrecking myself and hurting everyone around me, and it SUCKS. I'm hoping at some point I'll learn to enjoy a healthy lifestyle, and even though that idea is seriously questionable to me, I'm going to try and do it anyways.
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Relapses happen, people have poor insight and lack of impulse control, there are some "benefits" that aren't really beneficial to certain things we do and say, but at some point there has to be a search for a path leading to better places than the one we're on when things are less than ideal.

***that person created not one, but two fake FB accounts and messaged me over the past week. I didn't have everything on super private, my fault, but seriously man, knowing I'm still that much on their mind that they want to fcck with me KNOWING I want to do things to them I can't post here, is stressful af. I already question the entire workings of my mind regarding this relationship (was it really the best one I had and I just suck at accepting that, or was it the worst and I'm thinking the prior because I doubt my intuition on this stuff?). It's hard to focus less on his actions and motivations behind them and more on the fact I felt like crap with him and I felt like crap when I was "with him" but not in his physical presence.