I'm sorry too. I'm not really trying to say what people can or can't post; I was just trying to get bipolar check-in to be more of a chat to get support from and to people with bipolar d/o rather than a list of foods and details on vomit. There is the "what have you eaten today?" thread and the "weight loss and exercise" thread that would probably be a better place to post that stuff. I don't mind people occasionally talking about what's going on with their bodies, but like blueberry said, when it happens again and again without much relevance to the thread, and no desire to make healthier habits, and the foods are mostly triggering, it's a bit different.

I'm backing blueberry up with Eating disorders being mad competitive. That's why there are thin-spo sites where people literally post pictures of their spines and ask to be called a fatass for motivation to get sicker.

Maybe I'm just being oversensitive myself, but when there are other threads to list precisely what you ate and how much weight you lost, there's really no need to throw it in my face. I'm a lot earlier in my recovery than @Blueberrybook too, so seeing BMIs and sizes and watching someone talk about their change inlbs/kilos/stones they weigh frequently enough that I see the pattern.

And, yeah, never met anyone who binge eats to gain weight. Part of bulimia is binging, and that is more of an out of control, I don't want to do this, I need to stop, I can't feeling, followed by so much guilt and fear of gaining that purging seems necessary, and getting that food out is like a high, hence why when I read "I threw up and feel better now," bothers me specifically. I know that's a me-problem that probably doesn't trigger many people here, so I'm just avoiding it now.
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Anyway, fatigue is really getting to me. I worked on my BPD workbook yesterday and got super upset. The chapter was on recognizing your patterns and the beliefs, benefits, long-term consequences, and behaviors that make them up. I had some insight that certain behaviors/patterns I have led to short-term benefits, but omg are those "benefits" vs long-term consequences messed up. This is kinda why I say recovery sucks in the contemplation/preparation stages abso-fcckiing-lutely suck.

I hate when I can't tell if my BPD symptoms are particularly strong in certain periods or a borderline mood swing just is one of those longer few days one or if I should be looking for warning signs. A lot of the time if I become more emotional, impulsive, and aggressive, I tend to see it as something I'd rather have at the time. Don't want to do anything with meds? Of course it's a BPD thing that's going to have to be handled with skills and wait it out for a few hours or days. If I'd rather think it's going to snowball and, to be completely honest, want to have a reason to scare myself and others if I share, of course it's a mixed episode. If I look at things more rationally and consider current stressors, impulses and the reasons behind them, what behaviors/patterns I'm doing, etc. things point more to BPD right now. Still going to keep an eye on sleep and if my thoughts become more disorganized and racing, or feeling out of touch with reality beyond just dissociation stuff though.

I plan on hanging around MSF here at the library until my computer time is up and then I'm going to take advantage of Monday 70cent boneless chicken wings for lunch