I never understood what the intended interpretation of "easy does it" is. Offing myself would be easy, and it definitely "does it;" I've tried a million times before, but now I have a plan that will for sure work. I don't think that's what we're supposed to get out of it though. Being drunk forever would be easy too, and it "does it," if "it" is getting through the day. Going through another fccking hour of this bs is for sure not easy, and I am running out of gas in the middle of nowhere. If the idea is to make "fighting the demons 24/7" into an easier task to "do it," it's for sure not easy to do THAT.

I'd be okay as a rat that ODd.

Yeah...I'll feed a wolf with my dead body and they can fight over it and I won't give a f.

I'm trying to be emotionally self-reliant, and I see why I drained everything out of everyone around me. I can't handle me, and I've had my whole life to this point to learn. Why would anyone else be able to? I've been told "it'll all be worth it" for so long. When will it be worth it? This was supposed to be the summer I get back to the things that made life a little more tolerable, like being on top of a mountain in the fog and furious winds, but now I'm too tired to even wake up early enough to be able to get a parking spot, let alone go up a 3mile elevator shaft and come back down.

I want to know what it's like to have a will to live. A genuine one. Not just a lack of SI, but the thought of "I want to and will see tomorrow."