There's nothing I'm supposed to solve though. I'm just supposed to live. I never claimed I wanted to trade places with another person. I've accepted that I am my own person on my own path; I just want to...I don't even know. Nothing I want to do feels like it's a realistic thing I can do, and I don't want to tell myself I want to so I can feel worse when I don't.

I just chatted with my CM and said I'm exhausted and I don't want to keep fighting these sui thoughts (well, I worded it a little different, but I'm not allowed to post that here). We ended the meeting early when she asked what I wanted the rest of the week to look like and I just stopped talking because she wouldn't like the answer "it'd look better without me." I know they're supposed to ask hard questions and make you force yourself to come up with some positive bs and show you people get angry when you share your plans to off yourself so you learn to keep those to yourself. I couldn't do that today, and she didn't want to watch me sit there saying nothing.

I know I can get through this. I don't want to. Fcck what I want though, I guess. I want a will to live, but obviously I'm never getting that, so...