What you say rings so true, especially about not bringing their share to the table. I was just talking to my H about this because he, of course, continues to fall into his usual pattern of screaming over nothing and engage in his victim blaming, i.e. acknowledging he is wrong to yell but then focusing more on how he is a victim and is triggered or whatever it is that day. Anyway, in the context of a conversation about this he told me that I "don't treat him like an equal". I just called him out on it and said that he is could be right and that is because he doesn't act like he's my equal. A lot of this right now is focused on him being on his phone and playing chess and being completely disengaged. He will often tell me and the children that he's going to stop playing chess but he never does, it is really an addiction type behavior for him, I do feel lucky it is not something more harmful than it already is.


I was just thinking to myself if that addressing his contention directly is more effective than discussing whether or not his particular perception is true. I thought about my therapist during this conversation and how my H's behavior really has nothing to do with me. So I told him, I don't think it matters what I say to you, you always feel like I am "picking on you" and that you are the "victim." And I believe that is the case. I don't want to fall into his trap of thinking oh, I must have acted a certain way towards him because he feels picked on -- instead this time (although it took a few minutes for it to click) I was able to tell myself "this has nothing to do with anything you've said to him" and I communicated that to him. And, more importantly, I am not hung up on how communicating that to him made him feel, instead I am happy with how it made ME feel. I think those things are the key to, as my therapist would say, making this situation "livable". She always emphasizes that with me, to do what I need to do to make things livable or manageable.

It totally does feel better to do things on my terms. I will say what you were saying about how your DD picks up on things herself is also starting to ring true with my daughter. She is the youngest and only 6, and just has started to tell my H things like "you never get off of the couch" or "why does mommy do everything" which doesn't make him happy, but it does remind me of a friend's description of her daughter and her husband's relationship where she said "my daughter likes me better because she sees her father is sort of just a lazy jerk." I am very struck by the fact that I have so many friends who are struggling with similar situations with their husbands. I think it is an interesting and difficult time, maybe it is the life stage.

In general this summer has been so fun for me and the kiddos, sometimes H adds to that and sometimes he subtracts.


That is big news re: your H's counselor. Will he get a new one? That's always the problem with counseling though, at least from my perspective with my H, he goes to counseling twice a month but you have to want to change your behavior or situation for it to change and my H so enjoys being stuck I don't think he ever will, so again I will just continue to focus on me and what is best for me at this particular moment.

Hope it is maybe a little cooler for you and you are able to take time to do what you enjoy!