ASPD with psychopathy and narcissism.

59yo guy. Neck hurts to sit here at my desk. I'm tired and desperately need coffee to get me through the day. Didn't get to work until after 11am and will have to leave by 3:30pm so I'm sitting here whining, wasting time instead of working. I am my own boss and have a few great employees that keep my business running but I feel guilty for not contributing more. One big problem is I cheated on my wife and need/want to take time with her, so late mornings; no, that's blaming her. I am definitely lazy and wanted to stay in bed! My infidelity was discovered a year ago and we're working through it, but it was a life long problem founded in my personality disorder.

Got my coffee from the break room! First sip AAAHHhhhh.

So back to my infidelity: She's devastated. She thought she was living her dream life and it turned into a nightmare. My ASPD etc was only discovered after the cheating was out. She didn't sign up to marry a mentally ill, narcissitic, psychopathic, serial cheater. Fun, FUN!

I feel bad for her. I love for for all I'm worth and with what empathy I have I def do feel like she deserves better. Today she was discussing her emotional Anorexia, that she gets no connection or emotional ties with me. What am I to do? Will I ever be capable of delivering to meet her needs? It's sad and hard. I was on the verge of pushing her to her knees to meet a need of my own when she began talking. I'm glad I listened first!

I'm in weekly therapy for sex addiction, childhood sexual abuse/trauma, childhood neglect, disordered attachment style, ASPD, etc. I'm on Lexapro. I attend 1-3 virtual SAA meetings a week. I work and earn a good living. I help with kids, laundry, home, meals, etc. The one thing I don't do is take time for myself. I have no hobbies or past times that I enjoy, except for sex and I feel like even that is diminishing.

I need some healthy personal time but every minute of every day seems to be filled. I'm sitting here at my desk and doing the only thing I can for myself. typing to strangers. (FWIW that was a big part of my acting out. dating sites, reddit, etc. Sexual conversations with strangers). I don't do that anymore!

Peace Y'all