to CM: yeah, putting all my effort into not offing myself.
CM: "what positive thing can you do this week?"
me: ends meeting

Me: fccking sick of fighting my head 24/7 and I just want to stop
T: do you need to be hospitalized?
Me: No
T: didn't think so, just asking.

next day, leave a message "not showing up this week!!!"

I don't know. Is that going to set off any alarms? Canceling an appointment usually wouldn't, but I feel like not talking to my cm other than saying every second of every day is trying not to off myself and then canceling in an upbeat manner might lead to a bit more than an "okay, see ya next week." But I don't know. I just want to know if I should be prepared for a cop showing up at the house if I don't answer a stupid phone call or even if there will be a phone call. I don't know. I was really happy when I told her I was canceling.

I just want to be able to answer any phone calls they may or may not make tomorrow so they don't get concerned.

edit also, another Q: what are the chances I end up hospitalized if I'm in a mixed episode maybe maybe not with psychosis and am not on meds? Is it pretty much "either i die or I go to the psych unit?"

ediT2: Maybe I should call her back and try to set up another time this week? I'm thinking my anger towards her is just an unfounded split. But I don't know. I feel like she doesn't give a shyt and is just saying stuff so she doesn't have a patient sui under her belt.