It sounds like you created this ideal image of her very early in the relationship, which kept the bond afloat much longer than it should have. But even though you identified the liberties you were giving her (at your expense) , it doesn't sound like you ever confronted that ideal image of her and put that to bed. This is why you still have moments of feeling as you did when the two of you were still together, because you have not dissolved this ideal image of her, which is likely rooted in what you hoped it would become. You need to step back and see the bigger picture. She never was the person you wanted or needed her to be. Physical attraction is just low hanging fruit your emotions cling to in order to justify the feelings you possess. Your emotions are still triggered by this because you never rationalized for yourself that none of this was ever anchored in truth. Your mind is still trying to cater to and "fix" what you believe can sustain that vision. This ideal image was created to cater to your emotions that also house the instincts created from your childhood which experienced moments of violence. It makes sense that your scars are trying (in your dreams) to vanquish this image that constantly inflicts pain. In other words you're fighting against this pain. What you need to accept is this ideal image of her is false. That idea of her never existed. It was a manifestation of what you had always hoped to find in another person. She was just a doorway to that possibility, but NOT the actual result of what you thought. Let her go. You're chasing a ghost that doesn't exist and its hurting you inside because you still want to believe in that vision.

You can find happiness in another person, but you must first release yourself of this false notion that she ever constituted the qualities you wrapped her in (and quite honestly never earned). We all have done this in our lives. Its very easy to cherry pick what we want to see in people, careers, or life situations to avoid the pain of accepting what is really there. Its easy to embrace a fantasy and allow it to be embodied in something (or someone) physically. But there's a time to understand the difference and break free of that allusion and accept what is truth and move forward. I wish you much happiness in your pursuits.