I started waking up early at 3am. Struggled to stay asleep once I had gone to bed. Sometimes I would wake up at 10.30 then 12 or 2am. I started falling asleep during the day without even realising it, or whilst sat in a chair. Whilst watching a movie. It clearly affected my mood and my tiredness levels overall.

It could have been due to a number of things. The hot weather. Not getting enough vitamins. The exercise again only started afterwards, but I also think it was due to the internal conflict I was having about my best friend.

I want to be someone of integrity, who could stand up for what I believed in. The past nine months have affected me. I used to be someone who would turn off the news because it was “negative”. There is privilege in being able to tune out the horrors, but there comes a point where it can longer be ignored.

I held back from saying anything, because I didn’t want to upset my friend. I tried to just be a neutral place for her and listen to her vent. It was being in paediatrics again and seeing two years olds that made me realise how small children were. Somehow I had forgotten that. I stopped prioritising her.

I posted my personal opinions on a private account I started saying what I thought. I refused to stay silent. I contacted my MP. Encouraged others to do the same. Encouraged others to protest. Promoted and donated money for medical aid.

Now I obviously upset her without deliberately meaning to. She was angry at me for not posting about other things.

I started to dislike the way she started talking to me:

“You read it, but it shows you didn’t understand”.
“Don’t make me laugh ”
“Stop believing shit”

Today it was :

“You can be upset he’s dead , but the world is a better place today”. “I’m going to celebrate with Baklava “.

My last comments were about a ceasefire being impossible now that the main negotiator had been assassinated. I don’t want to be friends with someone who celebrates the death of others.

Our values no longer align and I can’t go back from seeing her like this. It hasn’t felt okay for a while now between us. I had known her for
10 years.

I am not going to cling and have started detaching.