I don’t know what to do right now. I think my ideas are cool, but I spilled the secret to my mom. She didn’t seem to understand, but she never understands anything. She’s ok with listening to podcasts about decapitation. But guillotines aren’t instant death. I tried telling her we could think our way into rubber bones, she wouldn’t buy it. Maybe she’s just prepping to (make another attempt at) drowning me. She’s not making any comment on being unwell or anything so I want to say I’m ok, but also she knows the frquency that has a PCP effect on me.

My emotions and energy levels are wild. I said I’m safe, and right now I am. But sometimes I don’t feel that way. More in a might go overboard running from someone or self defense because after all there is someone who wants to drown me under the same room, but I do sometimes want to see my own blood again. It’s like cereal boxes falling. And every time I get a chance to talk to someone in the treatment team they ask and I say right now, yeah, but I wasn’t earlier, but this moment I’m fine so they don’t really care. In This Moment. I’d rather fight than just fake it, but I’m honest and there’s no fighting right now. I see the dots that no one else can, and even connect them to other dots, and I’m bored with others non Euclidean geometry. I need less transport so there’s less collisions.

I’m just generally misunderstood. My mom asked what I think about putting Bo down. Lu told me last night it was a good idea, and I sent her a picture of Lu so I think that’s why she’s more open to it. But my CM used to say “that makes sense” sometimes,
But today and the person I talked to last night didn’t. Things look like they’re moving and that is usually when it gets bad. I don’t know what to say to my CM because I AM safe,
But I’m not. But when she asks I plan on being safe.