Afternoon, and thank you for your posts - esp when I cannot get access to advice without going through jumps.

I have not as yet been diagnosed, but feel in my heart that I have had Bipolar for some years now. I recall my mum saying that I had manic depression many years back. But, I have ignored this and carried on regardless - literally. I tend to swing between manic and depressed, manic does not last too long i think but the low phases can do. I dont have many normal days between.
I am intending to make a dr appointment tomorrow after work. Its difficult for me to do - to talk. Im sure there are people on this forum who can relate to this well.

I have succeeded in pushing many people out of my life for a while. I have moved around alot and this allows me to have the new experiences I often crave. It also allows people to come and go in my life. I do have many friends but due to the nature of my life they are scattered over the uk, and none are nearby.

Have just moved to a new village - beautiful place in Devon. But I have started to rip the guts from this also. I prefer my own company, but in a high phase I can cause chaos - and do not see its effects fully and how others are affected. Its better if I am on my own so as not to expose myself and allow others to see my as the live wire I can be.

My partner of 2 years. He is wonderful, a very calm and grounded person. Quite opposite in character to me sometimes. He knows something is not right in my head, but does not understand (how can he?! he didnt realise he was taking on someone like me) He is worried. I love him very much but sometimes cant show this as I need to be alone which is something he doesnt understand. Also, I make mistakes and judge situations badly which reflects on him in the community.

That my mind races is common, and more fustrating and dangerous for me; I feel like I am doing the wrong thing no matter what I am doing. I am often irritable and deeply depressed by work, the world and the people who populate it.

I have since the age of 18 recreationally using drugs. Previously E's, cocaine and speed. The one I still use as a balancer and crutch is weed. The other - to quieten my mind and give focus (ha ha early on in the eve anyway) is drinking, and strangely to speed myself up and get things done. This is the destroyer for me as I have done and said some terrible things and have little regard for others at the time. Sorry is a word with little meaning when events happen time and time again. This only makes me more depressed and unable to communicate the issues. I am sick of working like a dog on min wage due to the fact I am of female gender - then coming home after commuting to clean and cook. I realise routine is good - but surely this isnt. It makes me resentful of my partner and hating this system we are all tied to with no escape.

I have had an inkling for nearly 2 years now that I am BP and have read up a little - I check all the boxes. 49 on the test here. I love being impulsive but it is out of my control so the fun is lost. I have always been rather spontaneous - but this is during a high and can lead down the wrong path. I do not have trouble sleeping. I have thought of suicide I am ashamed to say, on more than one occasion.
I have read here on this site the words "only in a chaotic soul can a dancing star be born" that I how I often feel. But it is beyond my control now and I do not want to confuse and hurt the people in my life anymore than I have already done.

There is history of depression on my mums side. My parents divorced when I was 13 - he now lives in australia and havent seen him for many years. I have epilepsy (but only triggered by pain strangely) I was sexually abused by a close male relative from a young age - but he too was young and I feel did not understand, I love him and wish him well - BUT I DO REMEMBER. I probably have not done myself any favours by choosing to go to art college whilst raving the nights in fields - but I have no regrets of this. Only regret is having this unquiet mind.
I am an artist, gardener and herbalist and feel these things give the calm I need. I am 32, no kids. But these fit in around a stressful job and find I dont have enough time to do the things that make me feel better (like painting etc) In fact its been so long now I have lost it from my world altogether. My partner as lovely as he is, does not cook or clean in the home and sleeps in till midday on days off. In the meantime I wake early and get on with all housework before he is up. I fall asleep early so we dont go to bed at same time and dont wake up together eather - sad. That makes me upset with him. He is a tall lad and our bed is short so I wake about 4 times in the night as he is sprawled or elbowing me. This morn I woke ar 4.30 and couldnt get back to sleep - when this is all I want to do. I finally fell asleep at 7.30 only to wake 20 mins before I had to leave for work.

Daily medication worries me - is there no other way? But then what is the other route? no medication and a continuation of a life in chaos.

If anyone out there has similar symptoms as me please can we speak? Do these symptoms sound like BP?

Thank you and heres to us all keeping on an even keel. Not sure as to how this forum works but guess I will find out. My head is a little in bits today, cant focus on anything. Have already showered once today so cant do that again! When im not on a high (something that is noticable by others) then I wear a smile and converse with all well, masking over the storm in my head.

I hope to find some friends to speak with on this site who can help me straighten my minds eye.

take care and thanks again
Kitty
x