I'm struggling taking my medicine. I'm taking it but it's a fight. I don't know how to get a therapist. I've been on the waiting list for over a year and a half now. I need someone who keeps track of what is going on with me. I feel like **** now that I didn't push for a med change. I don't want dinner but I have to have it to take my medicine. I don't want my medicine. I'm on the edge between being very sick and well and I can't handle it. I want to remove my tattoo but that would be messy and I'd have to explain and I'm not good at explaining myself right now. Words are hard. I can't keep smoking every night I don't have the money for that. The fear goes away when I smoke. I was supposed to call a friend yesterday but I can't hold a conversation. I hate when I have insite. Maybe I should have told him I don't want to eat dinner. I hate that I only see someone 1x a month. I'm not hallucinating but I keep thinking I see something out of the corner of my eye. I'm scared to take the dogs out because I don't want to run into homeless on my porch I know they won't hurt me but I don't want the jump scare of someone being there. I'm a mess and I look so put together. I wish I didn't mask so well.