Things aren't black and white. Yeah, your dad fked up a lot, but there's a way to integrate the fact that people aren't "good" or "bad" (nothing really is). He may have hidden a lot of his maliciousness, probably for his own good, but in a way it may have protected you from the brunt of his toxicity when you were a child. Maybe not. Depends on how you connected what you like about him/disliked about him and his positive behaviors/negative behaviors.

When my dad was still alive, his actions were by no means hidden and I was involved in a lot of his chaos. I learned it's the way to live, drugs/alcohol are the way to go, shove your frustration and pain in front of people and spread it instead of trying to take in others' help. Maybe if I had another experience with a healthier way of living/environment, I'd be able to compare the two and see the healthier way as better and learn not to follow his footprints. Maybe not. Who knows. Doesn't matter now. What matters is recognizing cause and effect and seeing if the effects of what happens are worth creating the cause, and if not, taking action to avoid it.

Basically, try to keep in mind you did have fond memories even though he wasn't the greatest person behind the scenes. I'm sure you had memories perceived as bad, and you can also focus on that but remind yourself of his better qualities (if he didn't you probably wouldn't have had good memories). Look at the big picture and try to see him as a whole person and not just a list of "good" and "bad" which, I don't know about anyone else, but for me cannot be fused in anyway other way because it's hard to focus on more than one characteristic at a time. It's basically turning a zebra (black/white stripes) into an elephant (grey).