—>And, more importantly, I am not hung up on how communicating that to him made him feel, instead I am happy with how it made ME feel.<---

Well said, and good for you.

It's weird how over time you can end up essentially losing some of your identity, and everyone in the house starts getting sucked into the black hole that is the disordered person and their disorder.

Occasionally, my mind still wanders into territory of things I could do that might help H, but these days it only lasts a second or two before my mind shifts to thinking about where time and energy are better spent- and it's not trying to fix him. It's on taking care of myself and doing things that potentially improve my life, now and in the unknown future.

If I could go back in time and change one thing, it would be to not get pulled into long, seemingly endless conversations that spawned from his disorders. It was so much wasted time that could have been spent doing things that were fun, more productive, and actually rewarding. Too often, those conversations ended up being a vehicle for him to blameshift things onto me. I didn't know better. It honestly felt like I was trying to do the right thing for him, but I now see that it could never have changed anything– and it was very detrimental to me. If he were receptive to change (or capable of it), and wanted our lives together to be better, he would already have been on that path on his own.

Worse yet, in retrospect DD was profoundly, negatively affected by my efforts. Even if she wasn't present, it solidified an attitude in the house that he was in control, even if it was so covert that it appeared unintentional. I wish I'd learned to disengage, and expect an adult conversation (or said my piece and left) rather than allow it to become an endless round and round event. That may not apply to you–- it seems like you are doing well about being in your own sphere- but that's my regret, fwiw. Keep living a proactive life, and don't set a bad example for your kids by mistreating yourself, like I did.

—>it is really an addiction type behavior for him, I do feel lucky it is not something more harmful than it already is.<---

Right? Isn't that a strange thing, that instead of expecting him to be good and engaged, and basically a functional husband and father, we're just glad it's not something worse? It makes some sense when the option to walk away isn't the best option, but also recognized how messed up that is on some level.

Maybe this is what a midlife crisis looks like for that generation? I, too, am surprised at how often I meet people with similar situations, and very often in the same age range.

H’s counseling– I don't think he's going to go back. It's easier to convince yourself that everything is okay when you don't have to be challenged on a regular basis. For as ineffective as she seemed, she may have actually kept him a bit steadier. Over the past few weeks, he doesn't seem quite as stable- he's just all over the place mentally and emotionally– and even physically. It makes you wonder if he'll eventually just repeat the cycle, and get to the point of having another nervous breakdown. He's also seemed more physically unwell recently, so as always, who knows where the truth lies? It took a long time, but I accept that his problems are well above my paygrade. The level of help he needs isn't going to come directly from me.

—>my H so enjoys being stuck←-

That's not really funny, but I laughed out loud. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Hope you and the kids are continuing to have a fun summer, though it's probably starting to wind down at this point?

DD is getting nervous about college classes, but I'm guessing she'll enjoy them once she gets used to the new routine and location. Since the college is only about 10 minutes from home, it means we'll have lunch together most days. I'm looking forward to that!