I don't know when I'm supposed to see my pdoc this week, but I don't know what I should ask for. I haven't tried Loxapine, perphenazine, pimozide, thiothixene, trifluoperazine, (and rexulti and caplyta for not 1st gens, but I hear they're not good for mania). I've had awful experiences with FGAs (every one gave me akathisia, two gave me urinary retention, two caused suicidality, and one gave me involuntary facial movements) so I'm a little reluctant to try anything that might fking help. If I get akathisia on top of this fking shyt I WILL kill myself as soon as I feel it. Yeah, I know it's not rational because I can just stop, but will I care in the moment? I know I won't.

wtf man. I'm starting to think I'm doomed to off myself before I'm even 30. Off meds I'm crazy enough to do it, on meds the side effects will make me think it's rational because I know I don't like that and I don't like unmedicated either.

Fk this shyt. I hope the cops follow me again and maybe I'll...eh can't post that