I went through a really connected period with T. I mean REALLY connected and safe... I was even able to hold multiple feelings for him at the same time. I was able to get angry at him for something, but still feel safe and secure at the same time. He was constant. I could say, "I'm pissed at you, but I still love you. I know you'll be there. I know that the feelings don't have to be one or the other."

For the first time, I was able to say that the benefit of therapy definitely outweighs the pain of it. I felt so confident, accomplished, and pleased at this transition. It seemed as though my relationship with him had reached a new level and I had matured in my way of relating.

Then it all fell apart.

One day-- BAM. I hated him again. There were too many things he wasn't hearing. There were too many things he wasn't conveying to me. Then he informed me of an upcoming change in schedule, which will be very unaccommodating to my schedule, once I start doctoral school.

I was so disappointed in myself. I really thought I crossed a major hurdle. I spent a great deal of time looking for that part of me that could still feel safe and secure while despising him. I searched for the feeling of constancy-- the feeling that he is "in this" with me, no matter where he is. Couldn't find it.

I told him all of this. I told him how childish and ashamed I feel. I told him how sometimes I have to laugh at my own therapy because it is like a joke to me-- I am so "sure" that I crossed a hurdle... yes, that's it.. this time it's real... and then there I am, the next day, back to acting like a four-year old.

T said not to invalidate the fact that it DID exist. No, it did not last like I thought it would, but it happened. It was real. I did feel that constancy. I did hang on to him for awhile. I was able to feel mulitple feelings for him at the same time.

I understand what he is saying, but seriously... it has been three years. I thought that by now I would stop the black and white swinging. I went back to the idea that the benefit of therapy DOES NOT outweigh the pain. I am very confused right now. Will it always be like this?

T was so gentle on the phone yesterday. I started to cry a bit and he said, "Okay... it's okay." Of course it wasn't okay, but who cares? It was okay at that moment, to hear his voice, and for him to say that. I felt taken care of. I see him tomorrow. I don't know what the hell I feel.

I have always been afraid of rollercoasters. Ever since I was a child. I have only been on a roller coaster once, and it wasn't even a major one-- it didn't go upside down or anything. I hated them before that, and I hated them even more after. I feel like my fear of rollercoasters can be translated to my relationship with T. Much deeper than the ride itself. So scary. Too many dips and curves and loops. What if I get thrown out of the car?